Richards adventures with portals
by FireMageHao
Summary: Maybe Richard shouldn't have gone through the portal. Oh well, there are plenty of things to kill. This is a series of one-shots, so expect randomness.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first of what I hope to be many LFG stories. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

It was a bright sunny day with Cale and the others. Nothing fun to do at all. Maybe he should not have messed with the portals. But he did.

* * *

Richard found himself in a place far from what was appealing to him. There were no rotting corpses, decapitated animals, or swarms of undead. The portal had disappeared, and he was in a bright green forest. The only thing good about nice places, is that they have lots of things to kill. Richard soon found this place to be an exception. There was not a creature to be seen, just lots and lots of trees. Fog twisted and twirled throughout the trees, leaving drops of dew on the leaves, which dropped to the ground. There were small puddles on the ground, which rippled when Richard took a step. '_Only one thing to do.'_ Richard thought, as he raised his hands, igniting them in reddish orange flames.

The flames spread as soon as they touched the trees, scorching them as the fire spread. The forest burned to ashes in a matter of minutes, as it was lit up by the flames. The only exception for miles was a large patch of green on the horizon, fog still hovering over it, like clouds. Richard started walking there, flustered 'H_ow is it not ashes now.'_ He thought to himself as he traveled along to black and brown dirt that had been scorched by the flamed. Patches of mud, mixed with ashes, had replaced the puddles on the ground. Richard was used to long walks from his trips with the group, unfortunately he was alone, and had no one to talk to/torment. There was no one to torture as far as the eye could see.

As he neared the patch of green, he could now see that it was trees, and they were still wet, apparently the fire had been put out by someone who knew how to deal with fire. "Hey there fellow. What brings you to our fine town of Elvenville on this _scorching _morning?" The elf said, chuckling at his joke. "What about m- I mean the fire?" Richard asked the plump elf. "Oh that's simple, our fire department did that." "Anyone wounded?" Richard asked hopefully. "Our universal health care takes care of that for us, so there is no need to worry." "Were there any damages?" "Paid for by the Labor Trade Housing Second Division of the Third Divison's Fifth Sub-Division, Housing Department, Fire Damage Sub-Section, or L.T.H.S.D.T.D.F.S.D.H.D.F.D.S.S. for short." "So you're socialist." Richard said making a mental note to kick the lightning up a few trillion volts. "That just about sums it up." said the elf. "What do you think of warlocks here?" asked Richard "They are fine if they register with the Second Division of Magi nd Other Magic Users Fourth Division of the Magic Bureau, Dark Magic Sub-Division Number Twenty Five Group Two or S.D.M.A.O.M.U.F.D.M.B.D.M.S.N.T.F.G.T. for short." "May I deliver a speech to the public?" Asked Richard. "Sure, if you talk to the Speech Management Regulatory Commission of All Public Speeches Pertaining to Public Things Such As Policy and What Is In The Future, or S.M.R.C.A.P.S.P.P.P.T.S.A.P.W.I.I.T.F. For short."

Many Outrageous Acronyms Later (M.O.A.L.)...

Richard stood on the podium in front of crowds of elves chanting "Warty Dude! Warty Dude!"

The crowd was like an ocean, waiting what the Warlock had to say. Richard cleared his throughout " I, Richard, chief warlock of the brothers of darkness, lord of the thirteen hells, master of the bones, Emperor of the black, lord of the undead, Mayor of a small village up the coast, and lord of the dance. Some score, and some years ago, our ancestors strayed towards magic. Since then, they have been shunned, even though they are legal when because their opposition is dead (Which it is). I find this constant discrimination against my kind rather offensive. It is time... For change. I say to you my friends, that even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. I have a dream that one day warlocks will rise up and cast of the shackles of oppression. I have a dream that we will one day, not be judged by how different we are from you. I have a dream that one day we will be looked at and labeled, simply, as friend. I have a dream that one day, when all of this occurs, that we will take the advantage of surprise, and slaughter as many of you as possible. I have a dream that there will be no structure left standing, no man or woman left un-decapitated, and no baby left un-devoured. I have a dream that none of you will be spared from the horrors of our rule. Free at last! You're all dead, but we are free at last! FOR PONY!!!!!!!!!" and as he finished, he bombarded the crowd with lightning. The panic that followed was a blur. Elves were scurrying everywhere finding sticks to try use as weapons to protect themselves from the mage. Buildings were burning, and the sky had gone black. The podium caught fire, and the S.M.R.C.A.P.S.P.P.P.T.S.A.P.W.I.I.T.F. Burned to the ground. "Why did we not put more money into the In Case of An Attack And I-" an elf said as he had his a blast of ice struck his heart, killing him. The defenseless elves dropped like flies in a napalm rain, brandishing sticks to try to hold off the warlock's advances.

In the chaos, one elf in particular seemed to know how to fight well, and even had a sword. The sword was reflecting the light of the flames as he hid in an alley between two burning houses. "Who are you?" asked Richard, while frying an elf, who had tried to sneak up on him, without even looking. "I am Julian of the warrior elves in North forest dark." the sword wielding elf said as he back flipped over, dodging a bolt of lightning. The elf retreated into the alley farther, dodging blasts of ice and fire. When Richard entered the alley, the elf ran at him along the wall. When he reached Richard, he jumped the other wall, ran up the wall, and back flipped over Richard, making a slash at his head. A slab of ice appeared over Richard's head saving him. Without his ice magic, his head would have been split in two. "You are truly evil, ergo, your race truly is evil. Just more proof for Cale if I get back." Richard said as he plunged his hand into the elf's chest, and ripped his heart out. "The look on your face when your realized your heart had been ripped out, priceless, now time for me to eat it in front of you." Richard said as he ate the heart, watching blood spout from the elf's chest. The elf turned as white as a sheet, as the blood drained from his body, collecting in a pool on the ground.

The slaughter continued for hours, until every last elf had been killed, every drop of blood drained, and every head had been used as a puppet in a new music video. Blood soaked the decimated streets of the torched Elvenville. Ashes were all that remained of the once prospering socialist civilization. '_Just in a day's work for a warlock_' Richard thought, as a portal opened.


	2. Chapter 2

Before you read this, I want you to know that I have absolutely nothing against England or any other country, and find scones good tasting, and nothing like rocks.

I don't own LFG, and if I did, I'd be working a new page, not a fanfic.

It would help if you imagine the parts conversation that are not Richards in a British accent.

…...

A blue, glowing portal, emblazoned with intricate runes, materialized in a white tile room. A tall figure cloaked in black robes stepped out of it, and it started to close.

Richard found himself standing in a large, grimy room, with white tile walls, and a gray and white tile pattern on the floor. There were gray boxes with doors, big enough for a grown person to walk into, made on a hard material unlike any Richard had ever seen before. There were white bowls jutting out of the walls, tightening the space. There were metal faucets sticking out above the bowls, and knobs one either side, marked with a 'C' and 'H'.

After assessing the situation, Richard did what he would normally do.

He blew things up.

When the bowls exploded, making craters in the wall. Water poured out of pipes in the wall, making large puddles on the floor.

The warlock proceeded to exit the room as if nothing had happened.

When he got out, he found himself in a large hall. The walls were made of brown marble, and there was a black granite desk at the end of the hall, near a large pair of glass doors. "How'd you get in eer?" A man said in a odd accent, as he ran up to Richard "what was all of that noise just now?" the man asked him. "I think I'd know if you went'n got past me." The man said, pulling out a rod that seamed to be made for bludgeoning, it was thick, and probably hard enough to fracture a bone

A fireball enveloped the man, igniting his flesh.

He dropped to the floor, a dead pile of ashes before he could even scream.

Richard walked out the door, as if it was normal to sport burnt flesh on one's feet.

Not many people were on the streets, and it seemed as if no one had seen what he did. He could see a large bridge in the distance, along with a large clock tower. "You eye'in Big Ben mist'a" A man with an odd hat said in an odd accent, not unlike the other man's to the one that the other man had used. "I don't see any abnormally large people around hear." Richard said. " No, Big Ben is the tower. You new around hear?" "No I am not." Richard replied.

Richard smiled at the man, thanking him for the advice, and as he walked by him, ripped his heart out.

The body dropped to the ground, a pool of blood forming around it, soaking into Richards shoes _'Now i'll need to clean them again darn it.' _Richard thought as he walked down the street.

"Good day to you ol' chap." A man said as he walked up to Richard.

"It is very much NOT a good day now that you have said that." Richard replied. "Now burn!" Richard said, as the man was incinerated by a pillar of fire, that burnt a hole through the earth, what seamed like miles into the ground.

A flash of lightning pierced through the sky, the giant clock tower splitting in two, crushing the buildings below. Another bolt of lightning flashed across the city, slicing the supports for the bridge in the same manner. Vehicles and people plunged into the lare river, as buildings started to burn.

"London Bridge is falling down..." Richard sang as the sliced through buildings with blades of fire, decapitating bystanders as he went.

Shrieks pierced the air, filling it with the sounds of calamity. Houses were burning, and civilians were running about wildly, screaming for their family. One man came running out of his home shouting "Julie! Where are you?" "What about your wife" a woman screamed as she ran out of her house with a rolling pin.

Richard plowed through them, cutting down person after person. One man came running out of a yellow building, followed by a man in a stripped shirt, and black pants, holding a bag. "Sir, you forgot your fries." The second man was screaming as he chased after the first. "I'll fry you." Richard said, as he torched the crowd, watching them burn to cinders.

An old lady came walking up to Richard. She wore black glasses, and used a cane as she moved.

"Are you blind?" Richard asked, while freezing the English Channel to cut off escape.

"Sure there sonny, want a scone?"

"Sure!" Richard said, as he took the lump from the woman's hand.

"Wait... This is a rock." Richard said, as he threw it at a fleeing victim, knocking them to the ground.

"I knew it was high in calcium, but I'm pretty sure it was not a rock. Now you get going, I heer that there is a killer lose." The woman said, whispering in Richards ear.

Now Richard, being the respectful Mayor of a village, would not harm old ladies. He simply made her into an undead minion.

Suddenly, a swarm of men in black suits, and small black tubes in their arms.

"Fire!" one of them shouted, as they pulled triggers, sending small, gray projectiles flying at Richard.

As quickly as he could, Richard ran over to the lady, trusting her in front of him, using her as a meat shield.

The men stopped firing once they saw the woman was 'taken hostage'.

The lady walked over to the leader, asking him how his day was, and decapitating him with her handbag.

"The look on your face when an old lady you were trying to save knocked your head off with her handbag, priceless." Richard said, as the lady mowed through the others.

The buildings were burning, filling the sky with ash. A lone, black robed figure was standing In the center, on a pile of corpses, with an undead legion behind him.

He shouted out, rallying the undead "To France! They never can win a war if America dose not help!" And as he ended the phrase, he stumbled down the mound of corpses, and into a portal that appeared underneath him.

…...

Well, that's it. If you want Richard to go a certain place, you can tell me in a review...


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